Humans Against Monsters, often abbreviated as H.A.M., is a human-supremacist cult who believe that humans are the most pure of Gielinor's creatures, and aim to rid Gielinor of all races that they perceive as monsters, which includes goblins and ogres. They are attempting to achieve this by recruiting others to their cause and lobbying the authorities of Gielinor, such as Duke Horacio and King Roald to do something about them, claiming that large-scale slaughters are necessary. Most of H.A.M.'s members do not wish to be the ones killing monsters themselves however, although some of the more extremist members of the group, such as Sigmund, have attempted to take matters into their own hands, but these efforts have always been thwarted. H.A.M. also possess a very warped view of the history of Gielinor, believing things such as the hero Arrav of Avarrocka slaughtering a tribe of goblins instead of forming a treaty with them.
Most of H.A.M.'s members consist of refugees from settlements destroyed by less civilised races, such as goblins, and they operate from the caves that monsters once inhabited, claiming to clean out and defend these caves so monsters can no longer inhabit them.
Although H.A.M. is a Saradominist organisation, the ethics of members acting in the interests of the group have been the subject of much controversy. Some of their more extremist members have been known to kidnap, steal, torture, and murder to accomplish their goals. This has led some people to accuse the organisation of being nothing more than a xenophobic cult.
Although many members consider them inferior to humans, and may even express distaste for them, H.A.M. do not officially consider human-like races such as dwarves and gnomes monsters, and as such have not made any major efforts to wipe them out. After The Chosen Commander, they likewise give up on their efforts to wipe out the Dorgeshuun tribe of goblins, claiming them to be no threat and no worse than the gnomes and dwarves.
Burning Doric's House Down
In year 164 of the Fifth Age, a werewolf known as Jerrod began attacking people in Asgarnia, and members of H.A.M. immediately suspected the dwarf Doric, who had recently moved into Asgarnia from Keldagrim. They proceeded to burn his house down, stealing his goats and jewellery. After this, a H.A.M. Speaker warned Doric that Asgarnia is a human nation, and told him to leave.
In year 169, a successful attack was perpetrated by a man inspired by the mission of H.A.M. The man, Sithik Ints, used one of his friends, named Brentle Vahn, to carry a backpack into the ogres' dancing site of Jiggig and down into the burial grounds.
What Brentle did not know is that the backpack was full of explosives and a necromancy seal that would wake the undead. An explosion ripped through the ground killing Brentle instantly; two ogres were seriously injured, and the corpses of the dead ogres within were reanimated, becoming known as Skogres and Zogres.
The dance site was lost, and Ints was considered a hero amongst the H.A.M. However, Ints' plot was foiled with the help of an adventurer, and he was turned into an ogre and placed under house arrest.
Elimination of the Dorgeshuun
After their discovery, eliminating the Dorgeshuun became one of the highest priorities of the H.A.M. There were four unsuccessful plots to eliminate them.
Framing the Dorgeshuun
At some point, Sigmund, rose to the position of Advisor to the Duke of Lumbridge. Although the Duke was aware of his position in H.A.M., he tolerated it, as they had yet to take any serious actions against the other races of Gielinor.
In year 169 of the Fifth Age, an earthquake exposed a massive tunnel system beneath Lumbridge and Lumbridge Swamp; the Lumbridge Swamp Dungeon. This eventually led to the accidental digging into Lumbridge Castle Cellar by Dorgeshuun miners. The Dorgeshuun, a peaceful and intelligent race of cave goblins, had existed beneath the surface for thousands of years, banished by Bandos during the cataclysmic God Wars. Knowing almost nothing of the surface world and still afraid of the conflicts that could arise, they quickly sealed the hole and returned to their mines.
When it was discovered that the cellar had been broken into, there were conflicting reports as to its cause. When it was found that the cellar had been broken into by goblins, Sigmund urged the Duke to launch an offensive. However, an adventurer convinced the Duke to discover the goblins' intentions first.
While the adventurer investigated and the Dorgeshuun claimed to be peaceful, H.A.M.'s first plot against the Dorgeshuun began, with Sigmund stealing a set of silverware from the basement in an attempt to frame the Dorgeshuun, accusing them of stealing them. Despite its minor importance, this theft nearly prompted a war between the nations; and the Dorgeshuun, having known nothing of war for thousands of years, would be forced to extinction. However, the adventurer soon found the missing silverware in the H.A.M. hideout, proving that it was Sigmund who had stolen the silverware, and as punishment for attempting to incite a war, his position of advisor was removed. A peace treaty was signed between Misthalin and the Dorgeshuun, although their city of Dorgesh-Kaan remained sealed at the order of the Dorgeshuun Council.
Plot to Flood Dorgesh-Kaan
The Dorgeshuun, seeking to gather information on H.A.M. and the surface world as a whole, sent one of their people to the outside world. This diplomat, a cave goblin girl named Zanik, explored the surface world with the adventurer that discovered Sigmund's plot.
The two eventually disguised themselves as H.A.M. members and infiltrated their headquarters. Zanik discovered a hidden trapdoor and, once inside, slew several members after they discovered her. At the end of a corridor, they found a hidden chamber where a number of H.A.M. members, including their leader, Johanhus Ulsbrecht, were discussing their newest plan to eliminate the Dorgeshuun.
Using a drilling machine imported from the dwarven capital of Keldagrim, H.A.M. planned to dig through the bottom of the River Lum. By strategically placing the machine inside the cellar of an unaware farmer, Seth Groats, they could flood the Dorgeshuun Mines and then their capital Dorgesh-Kaan, killing the hundreds of civilians inside.
The adventurer and Zanik were discovered however, and the adventurer was thrown in the H.A.M. prison, but escaped, only to find that Zanik was missing. Outside the H.A.M. headquarters, they found Zanik's body, having clearly been tortured and killed by H.A.M.
After the adventurer brought Zanik to the Tears of Guthix, she was brought back from the dead by the power of the tears. Juna, the tears' guardian believed Guthix was responsible, for Zanik's destiny was supposedly unfulfilled. Along with the adventurer, Zanik confronted Sigmund as the drilling machine began its mission. Together, they were able to defeat Sigmund, who escaped using a ring of life, and the drilling machine was destroyed, narrowly saving Dorgesh-Kaan and prompting the opening of the city to the humans.
Attempt to incite a war between the Dorgeshuun and the Dwarves
Following the opening of Dorgesh-Kaan to the outside world, the Dorgeshuun began to foster new ties with many of Gielinor's peoples. Amongst these were the dwarves of Keldagrim, who, under the dwarven politician Ambassador Alvijar, began construction on the Dorgesh-Kaan - Keldagrim Train System. This project would connect the two underground capitals, promoting trade and goodwill between the two races.
The dig was halted when a number of relics from the cave goblin's early history were found. Amongst the artefacts was an ancient mace, used by the goblins during the God Wars. Seeking to discover the meaning of the weapon, the adventurer and Zanik set out for the Goblin Village in North-west Asgarnia.
Once there, Zanik attempted to convince the goblins to abandon their violent ways. During her speech, a number of arrows and spells were fired randomly into the crowd, killing several goblins. Realising that they are under attack by H.A.M., the goblins took cover. Distracted, they did not realise that Zanik was taken at the point of a sword by Sigmund.
Zanik was tied to the Dorgesh-Kaan - Keldagrim railway by Sigmund, who believed her death would result in war between Keldagrim and Dorgesh-Kaan, wiping out both cities. However, Zanik was saved at the last moment, and H.A.M. was defeated yet again. However, they continued plotting against the Dorgeshuun.
Poisoning the Dorgeshuun Children and Attack on Sigmund's Base
Later that year, a H.A.M. member known as Walton infiltrated Dorgesh-Kaan, posing as a merchant, and managed to sell some of the Dorgeshuun there poisoned ingredients, causing some of the food to become poisonous, causing the goblin children to become ill. The adventurer discovered Walton's plot, and he was taken to the high authority of Dorgesh-Kaan, where it was decided that he would be sent to the Misthalin authorities to be given a trial, however, while being escorted to the surface, he was killed by Zanik.
Meanwhile, Sigmund, feeling that H.A.M needs to take a more active approach to stopping the cave goblins, formed a splinter group and kidnapped a goblin known as Grubfoot, and took him to their new base located in the Flour Mill north of Ardougne in an attempt to interrogate him in the effort to find out what the cave goblins are up to. He was then rescued by the adventurer, and Zanik, who had been possessed by Bandos at the time, appeared with an army of goblins to kill the H.A.M. members. She confronted and killed Sigmund, while the other H.A.M. members were killed by her army of goblins. Zanik (under Bandos' control) then turned her crossbow on the adventurer, but they were able to convince Zanik to take off Bandos's pendant, restoring her normal self. However, the goblin High Priest picked up the pendant and was instantly possessed by Bandos just like Zanik was. He then proceeded to destroy the base, while the adventurer and Zanik teleported away.
After Sigmund's death and the destruction of the base, the group ceased their efforts of killing the Dorgeshuun, deciding to leave them alone as they aren't much of a threat. This attack also made them give up their more direct attempts to deal with monsters, claiming that Sigmund's death merely showed the dangers of taking direct action, and they returned their to efforts of lobbying the government.
- Johanhus Ulsbrecht (Leader)
- Sigmund (Leader of Fringe Group/Deceased)
- Sithik Ints (In custody)
- Brentle Vahn (Deceased)
- H.A.M. Deacon
- Thwait (In Betrayal at Falador) (Deceased)
- H.A.M. Speaker (In Betrayal at Falador) (Deceased)
- Milton the Miller (Possibly resigned after the attack on Sigmund's base)
- Junior Cadet Bertol
The following quests involve H.A.M. or at least one of its members:
- The Lost Tribe
- Death to the Dorgeshuun
- Another Slice of H.A.M.
- The Chosen Commander
- Zogre Flesh Eaters
- One Small Favour
- The H.A.M. cult is one of the few groups that possess the secret of pig meat being edible, seemingly possessing knowledge of it even before Eli Bacon "discovered" bacon. Besides one of the groups logo being a ham, they also regularly consume the meat.
- ^ Johanhus Ulsbrecht, "H.A.M. Hideout", RuneScape. "We're mobilising people and we're starting out own society... cleaning out the caves once inhabited by these foul creatures and defending them so that they can never again shelter sub-human species."
- ^ a b Johanhus Ulsbrecht, "The Chosen Commander", RuneScape. "Besides, the cave goblins aren't much of a threat. They may not be human, but they're no worse than the dwarves or gnomes. From now on, we'll leave them alone, and focus on occupying caves and lobbying the government."
- ^ "H.A.M. Hideout", RuneScape. "Good honest human food. None of your fancy gnome or dwarf stuff here."
- ^ Johanhus Ulsbrecht, "Death to the Dorgeshuun", RuneScape. "Do we have to deal with the dwarves? They may not exactly be monsters, but they’re still not human."
- ^ "H.A.M. Hideout", RuneScape. "The broth smells like it does, in fact, contain ham."