Headless arrow 5
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Reason: missing several sections of dialogue. missing several discussions if you sided with the Carnillean family during Hazeel Cult quest
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Carnillean Rising

Carnillean Rising is voice acted. We recommend that you ensure your sound is turned on in order to get the most out of it.

Xenia: You're looking well, adventurer. Do you remember me?

- No, who are you?

Xenia: I'm Xenia. We met in Lumbridge, when you were rescuing a woman from some cultists in the catacombs.

Player: Oh yes, you pretended to be hurt, then you guided me through defeating the cultists myself. What do you want this time?

- Yes, I remember you.

Xenia: Ceril Carnillean wants his son, Philipe, to become an adventurer like we are. He tried to hire me as a tutor for the boy. I refused, on the grounds that I would never work for that windbag, so I recommended you instead. After all, you did such a good job in the Lumbridge catacombs.

(If you sided with Hazeel's Cult in Hazeel Cult)

Player: Doesn't Ceril hate me? When he hired me to find his armour, I joined the cult that had stolen it, and poisoned his dog.

Xenia: And I hope you'll act more responsibly in the future! Fortunately, Ceril doesn't know the truth. I told him that you saved his family from the cultists. He believes that he'll be in danger if he learns the secret of the cult, so he won't ask any awkward questions.


- Thanks for fixing it!

Xenia: You're welcome. So, will you take the job?

- You are very good at lying.

Xenia: You're the right person for this job, so it had to be done. Will you accept?

(If you sided with the Carnillean during Hazeel Cult)

(If you break the conversation before accepting job.)

Xenia: Ceril Carnillean still wants you to train his son as an adventurer. Will you take the job?

- Decline

Xenia: That's a shame; I really think you're the right person for the job. I shall keep the offer open.

- Accept Quest

Xenia: Excellent. Go and see Lord Carnillean for your instructions. I wish you all the best.

[Xenia chuckles to herself]

Butler: 'Ello, mate. Welcome back to Sir Ceril's mansion.

- What happened to the old butler?

(If you sided with the Cult)

Butler: Butler Jones? He quit his job and left. Said his 'work here was complete', whatever that means. Weird chap.

- What do you know about the Carnilleans?

Butler: The Carnilleans are one of Ardougne's richest families. They're snooty, but there's no harm in them. They're bound to have a book on their history somewhere in the house if you want to know more.

- You don't talk like a butler.

Butler: Oh, I save the formal stuff for Sir Ceril and the family.

- Actually, never mind. (Ends dialogue)

Henryeta: Ah, it's you again. How are you getting on with Ceril's project?

(If you haven't started)

- I haven't got very far with it.

Henryeta: Ahem. More work and less chit-chat will help you along, don't you think?

Player: ...

- Tell me about your son.

Henryeta: Philipe? What do you want to know about him?

- Does Philipe want to be an adventurer?

Henryeta: I expect he will rise to the challenge. After all, he is a Carnillean; we are a very distinguished family.

- Do you spend much time with your son?

Henryeta: I resent the implication that the boy has been neglected. We have always hired the finest nurses and tutors for him.

- Why is he such a brat?

Henryeta: One of Philipe's tutors referred to him as such. The man was immediately dismissed. Be warned.

- Forget it.

Henryeta: Very well. Carry on.

Player: Hey Philipe...

Philipe: What do you want?

-What are you doing?

Philpe: Nothing.

Player: I'll talk to you later.

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

Philpe: I'll inherit this mansion, of course. Not that it's any of your business.

Player: I'll talk to you later.

Sarsaparilla: What is it?

- Who are you?

Sarsaparilla: My name is Sarsaparilla. My father is a close friend of Sir Ceril and Lady Henryeta.

- What are you doing here?

Sarsaparilla: Sir Ceril and Lady Henryeta have kindly invited me to stay in their mansion. My parents were pleased by the invitation; they wish me to spend a season in the city to experience the social scene.

- Nothing. Sorry to bother you.

Sarsaparilla: Oh? Very well, be about your business.

Claus the Chef: Hello. I see you're working for Ceril again.

Player: Yes, I am.

Claus: I hope he pays you. He can be proper stingy sometimes. You know he won't build stairs up from this kitchen? I have to carry his dinner up the ladder!

Player: Thanks.

Player: I've agreed to train your son as an adventurer.

Ceril: Good. That dratted Xenia woman took the job, poked around my cellar, then said she was too busy! The old bat is obviously losing her marbles. She kept forgetting to address me as 'Sir'.

Player: Tell me more about the job.

Ceril: Henryeta and I have been concerned about the lad for a while now. We're not getting any younger, you know, and it will soon be Philipe's turn to represent the noble Carnillean family. Thing is, the lab just hasn't got the spark. He doesn't take any bit of interest in anything beyond the next meal. Henryeta and I hired tutors to teach him natural philosophy, sports, art – everything. He just isn't interested. We thought Philipe would buck his ideas up if had a girl to impress, so we invited a friend's daughter to stay here. Sarsaparilla's a good match for Philipe: very good bloodline. But Philipe claims she's boring, and she's hardly happy with him either.

- So, you want me to turn Philipe into an adventurer.

(See below)

- Have you tried spending time with your son?

Ceril: What? How dare you suggest we've neglected the boy! I'll have you know he's wanted for nothing. All his life, he's had the best nursemaids, servants, and tutors that my money can buy.

Player: I see.

- Tell me about Philipe again.

(Repeats above.)

- I'll come back later.

Ceril: You haven't even done anything yet. I'm not paying you to waste time.

(If you end dialogue.)

Ceril: Ah, it's you again

Ceril: If Philipe can pass himself off as an adventurer, he'll be respected in the king's court. So, I want you to create a quest for him.

- How do you expect me to create a quest?

Ceril: These quest things are all the same, aren't they? I know how they work. Creep through cobwebs, perform a death-defying stunt, sneak past guards, disable fiendish traps … Disguise yourself as a humble maid to get a jail guard drunk, slay some dragons, untie the damsel in distress, and return loaded with riches! The cellar wall collapsed recently, and we found a passage leading into a cave. I'm sure you can create the quest down there.

[Sir Ceril hands you a list.]

- Where can I find all that stuff?

Ceril: Use anything from the mansion, but don't bring your own supplies. If I let you bring materials in, you'll expect to be reimbursed later. I'm not having that. Crichton, the butler, knows what I expect. He will supervise you work. Go and meet him now.

- Remind me what you want done.

Ceril: Create a quest for Philipe in the cave beneath my cellar. The butler knows what I expect. He will supervise your work.

- I'll come back later.

Ceril: Let me know when Philipe's completed my quest.

Butler: 'Ello, mate.

- Can I ask you something?

(see above)

- Actually, never mind.

Butler: Okay

- Sir Ceril says you'll help me create a quest.

Butler: That's right. His Nibs told me the plan. If you're ready, let's get started.

- No, I'll come back later.

Butler: Okay. (Ends dialogue)

- Yes, let's go.

Butler: Okay. Let's start by going down to the cave to have a look around. Then we can plan the quest.

Scouting the Set Location

[Butler Crichton exams the cave.]

Butler: Oh yeah, this place is great for the quest.

You can decorate the hole, in the kitchen, with a cobweb for the young master to creep through.

His Nibs wants the brat to do some 'feat of agility'. There's a ledge he could climb across.

There's a nice junction here for guards to patrol.

Gah! A goblin camp. Goblins get everywhere. The arches are supported by flimsy struts. You could set a trap here.

Huh. It sounds like there are creatures living in here. Smells like it too.

Get someone to guard here and the kid can get 'em drunk.

This area would be a grand place to put the damsel in distress, guarded by some dragons.

Player: How convenient.

Butler: Oh, Ceril may have no idea what he's doing, he gets things right occasionally. Law of averages, y'know. Now, let's get to work!

Butler: What's up?

-About that stuff for Sir Ceril's list...

- -I think I've finished!

(If not complete)

Butler: Let me think … No, there's more work to be done.

- -'Creep through the Cobwebs'

Butler: Well, you could look for fabric that might be arranged to look like a cobweb over the entrance to the cave.

[If done]

Butler: You've already put up a pretty nice cobweb, mate.

- -'Death-defying stunt'

Butler: There's a narrow ledge just inside the cave. Stick an obstacle beneath it and the kid will have to climb across.

[When done]

Butler: Now you've got your pit of spikes, the brat will have to climb across on the narrow ledge.

- -'Patrolling Guards'

Butler: There are two goblins in the cave. I'm sure you can persuade them to do the job.

[After goblins are paid]

Butler: You've got those two goblins, ready to patrol.

- -'Fiendish traps'

Butler: Have a look at the crumbling arches where the goblins live. I bet some tripwires would make 'em fall down on the brat's head, if he isn't careful.

[When done]

Butler: You've set up a nifty pair of tripwire traps. They should bring the arches down on the brat's head.

- -'Get the Guard Drunk'

Butler: We need a volunteer who'll get drunk. Claus, the chef, is always up for a drink.

[After getting Claus to join]

Butler: You'd better lead Claus to where he needs to wait.

[When done]

Butler: You've got Claus in position. Make sure you've got a disguise for the brat.

- -'Guardian Dragons'

Butler: I doubt you'll find dragons in the cave. You might find creatures to dress up as dragons, though.

[When done]

Butler: You've made a couple of dragons for the brat to fight.

- -'Damsel in distress'

Butler: There are only two women in the house. See if you can get one of them to help.

[After getting Sarsaparilla, or Henryeta declining]

Butler: I'd get Miss Snotty-nose down to the cave. If I were you, I'd leave her there.

- -'Return home loaded with riches'

Butler: You'll need to place something valuable in the dungeon where the brat will find it. The brat could loot the guard once he's drunk. Or the distressed damsel could hand him some jewellery.

- -'Make the cave look good'

Butler: Look out for places where you can build decorations in the cave. Try to make 'em scary; I want to see the brat squeal.

[When done]

Butler: You've put up three decorations. That's plenty.

- -Nothing

Butler: Okay.

Getting the Cast

Player: I'm making a quest for Philipe in the cave below this cellar. Will you help?

Claus: It'll make a change from slaving in this kitchen, I suppose. What do you want from me?

- Patrolling Guards

Player: I'd like you to walk back and forth in the cave so that Philipe can sneak past you.

Claus: Walk back and forth? Sounds like exercise to me. Can't I do something else?

- Drunken Jailer

Player: I'd like you to guard the cave. Philipe will bring you a drink, you get drunk and pass out.

Claus: Eh, I can get drunk any time I like. I might even be drunk now. IF you want my help, bring me some of Ceril's fortified wine.

Player: Okay, I'll make sure Philipe brings the right wine. So do we have a deal?

Claus: Since you've asked so nicely, I will drink the wine as a personal favour to you! See you in the cave.

- Guardian dragons

Player: I'd like you to pretend you're a dragon. Philipe will come along and slay you.

Claus: How stupid do you think I am? I'm not having that kid come and kill me! When I die, I want to be ninety years old, and so drunk that I don't even notice I'm dead.

Player: … alright, I'll offer you a different job.

- Damsel in distress

Player: I'd like you to be the damsel in distress.

Claus: … Why?

Player: I'll tie you up, and Philipe can rescue you. Then you … uh … embrace him.

Claus: I don't think I'm the right person for that job.

[When inside the cave]

Clause: You'll have to show me where I'm supposed to be.

- Follow me.

- Later.

Claus: You're the boss. (both responses)

Henryeta: Ah, it's you again. How are you getting on with Ceril's project?

Player: Perhaps you could help. I need a damsel in distress for Philpe to rescue.

Henryeta: I'm afraid I don't have time to play in Philipe's little games.


- Very well, your Ladyship.

Henryeta: Do keep Ceril informed of your progress.

- I think you should spend more time with your son

Henryeta: I do not recall asking for your advice! Now, get on with your work.

Ceril: Have you two finished yet?

Butler: I regret that our work is not yet complete, my Lord.

Ceril: So, get on with it!

Player: Sure, sure.

Sarsaparilla: What is it?


- Who are you? (repeats above)

- What are you doing here? (repeats above)

- Nothing. Sorry to bother you. (repeats above)

- I'm creating a quest for Philipe. Will you help?

Sarsaparilla: I would prefer to have no dealings with that boy! Please leave me alone now.

[Sarsaparilla doesn't seem very keen to talk about Philipe]

[After talking to Sarsaparilla again]

Sarsaparilla: What is it now?

- Don't you like Philipe?

Sarsaparilla: It would be improper for a guest to pass comment on her hosts, especially to a servant.

Butler: She thinks you're a servant! Haha!

- I really need your help with this quest.

Sarsaparilla: If you aren't capable of fulfilling your duties, Sir Ceril will have you replaced.

- Are you just going to stay in here?

[Sarsaparilla seems a little less hostile.]

Sarsaparilla: I must confess, there is very little of interest in this city. My parents said I would meet young men of good family, and maybe find a husband. However, I do not feel ready for marriage. I am still only fifteen, and I have other ambitions.

Butler: Wow, she yammers on and on.


- When you're older, will you marry Philipe?

Sarsaparilla: Ahem. I'm sure our parents would consider us to be an excellent match for each other, but I find him a bit juvenile.

- You were talking about your ambitions?

Sarsaparilla: When I was a little girl, my father took me to the theatre. There was a girl in the play: young, but incredibly talented. She held the audience spellbound with her every gesture, and her voice could reach the farthest corners of the theatre, clear as a bell. Ever since that day, I have longed to be an actress; to don the guise of a romantic heroine and tread the boards, even just once. However, while such a career is considered suitable for peasants and people of no important, I must take a husband and continue my family line.

Butler: Kids these days are always thinking about breeding. One-track minds, that's the trouble. I blame the parents.

- Come and play with Philipe. It's your destiny.

Sarsaparilla: Do not speak to me of destiny, servant! I know my role in life, and I shall act my part faithfully.

Player: So, if you like acting, would you want a part in the drama I'm directing?

(repeats below)

- I'm directing a drama. Would you like a part?

Player: So, if you like acting, would you want a part in the drama I'm directing?

Sarsaparilla: Oh? Please tell me more. What sort of role is it?

- Patrolling Guards

Player: You'll be a guard, patrolling your base to watch for marauders.

Sarsaparilla: Oh no, that sounds terribly mundane. I need a role with passion and drama.

- Drunken Jailer

Player: You'll be a lazy guard who gets drunk and passes out on the job.

Sarsaparilla: I think I'd rather not!

- Guardian dragons

Player: You'll be a dragon.

Sarsaparilla: Am I a maiden who's been transformed into a dragon by an evil witch? Will the hero undo the curse and save me?

Player: No, you're a dragon, and you get killed.

Sarsaparilla: Oh, I'd rather not!

- Damsel in distress

Player: You'll be a damsel in distress, held in a cave. A hero will slay the dragons, untie you and carry you out to safety.

Sarsaparilla: How simply marvellous! I shall certainly accept the role my dear Director.

Player: Great. It's an improvised play, so there's no script to learn.

Sarsaparilla: Will you take me to the place where I'll be performing this drama?

- Yes, follow me.

Sarsaparilla: Splendid. Now, you said the hero would have to untie me. I hope you've got something suitable to tie me up.

Player: Yes, I have some twine.

- Later

Sarsaparilla: I shall work on my motivation while I wait.

- I'll be off now. (repeats above)

Nostrillia: What you doing here, human?

Slimepits: Yeah, what are you doing here?

Nostrillia: I already asked that.

Slimepits: Oh.

Player: I'm making a quest for Sir Ceril's son.

Slimepits: Huh. Old woman came earlier and said that, but she's gone now.

- Tell me about the old woman who came earlier.

Nostrillia: She look around cave earlier. We heard her set off rockfall somewhere, but she came out alright.

Slimepits: Old woman human not as pretty as Nostrillia.

Nostrillia: You sweetiepie, Slimepits.

- Can you go away?

Nostrillia: This is our home! You make quest here, you work around us. We not going.

Slimepits: Human should listen to Nostrillia. She clever as well as beautiful.

- Can you help me?

Slimepits: Ooh, we get to help human! Sound fun.

Nostrillia: Wait, we not work for free. Human must pay us.

Slimepits: Why we want paying? We got plenty of time. I say we do it to be nice.

Nostrillia: Ignorant hippie! World not work like that. Now, shut up and let Nostrillia do talking. We help if you help us. We hear goblins on surface got armour, but we got none.

Slimepits: Nostrillia look pretty without armour on.

Nostrillia: So, we want armour. Not the same as surface goblins, though. We want human armour. Armour for me, and helmet for Slimepits.

- Why do you want human armour?

Nostrillia: Goblins on surface wear goblin armour. Human-shaped armour better, though, so we want that.

Player: But you're not human-shaped.

Slimepits: Why would Slimepits want Nostrillia to be human-shaped? She a lovely shape already.

- Excuse me now.

Slimepits: You be careful, human. Dangerous things in this cave.

[If you talk to them again]

Slimepits: What now, human? You still making quest?

Player: Here, you can have this armour.

[You offer Sir Ceril's armour and helmet to the goblins.]

Slimepits: What colour that supposed to be? Proper armour should be purple.

Nostrillia: But purple is a stupid colour for armour!

Slimepits: Okieday, Slimepits agrees with Nostrillia.

Player: Wow. I wish all goblins would agree so easily.

Nostrillia: So, what you want us to do human?

- Patrolling Guards

Player: I want you to patrol the corridor. A boy will walk through the cave later. If you see him, I want you to shout.

Slimepits: Shout if we see a little human? We kill him for you now. Much easier.

Player: No, I just want you to patrol the corridor and shout if you see him.

Slimepits: This sound stupid to you?

Nostrillia: Yes. But we getting paid, so we do it anyway.

[The goblins accept the armour and set off down the corridor.]

- Drunken jailer

Player: I want you to guard the bridge. A boy will come and offer you some wine. Drink it and pass out.

Slimepits: We get drunk? Slimepits like this job.

Nostrillia: No, Slimepits. Alcohol rots the liver and soul.

Slimepits: Aww.

Nostrillia: We do something else instead.

- Guardian dragons

Player: I want you to pretend you're dragons, so that a boy can come and slay you.

Slimepits: Slay us? You want him to kill us?

Player: That would, indeed, be what the job requires.

Nostrillia: We not that stupid. Offer us different job instead.

- Damsel in distress

Player: I want you to be a damsel in distress. I'll tie you up, and, when a boy rescues you, I want you to embrace him.

Slimepits: Slimepits not like the sound of this.

Nostrillia: Not embracing human boy. Boys smell bad. Offer us different job instead.

Procuring Items for the Set

When looting the Barrel of Junk

[You take a handful of spikes. This should be more than enough.]

Take Spider

[You pick up the spider.]

Opening wardrobe

[Before you convinced her to join your play]

Sarsaparilla: Please don't touch my clothes.

[After you convinced her to join your play]

Sarsaparilla: What are you doing, Director?

- I need to borrow a costume.

Sarsaparilla: If this is what our Art requires, I have no objection. Search away, my dear Director.

[You borrow Sarsaparilla's spare dress.]

-I'm being nosey.

Sarsaparilla: My dear Director, while I understand that artists are entitled to whimsies, I would prefer that you leave my clothes alone.

When getting the paint

[You take a pot of red paint.]

Dragon heads

[You rip the dragon's head off the wall.]

Getting Cir Ceril's Wardrobe

[You find Sir Ceril's heraldic armour, helmet, and his old sword.]

Money Pouch

Butler: Ooh, Ceril's money would be a nice reward for the brat to find. Go on, take it!

[You take Sir Ceril's money pouch.]

Henryeta's Necklace

Butler: Ooh, Henryeta's necklace would be a worthwhile reward for the brat to receive. Go on, take it!

[You take Lady Henryeta's necklace.]


[You tear down the net curtain.]


[The spoil heap contains skulls and fragments of bone. You gather up some remains.]

The wolves

[You pick up the mouse. The wolves may be able to smell it in your inventory.]

Building the Set=

If Bypassing Water Pit or Spike Pit or Tripwires

[You help Sarsaparilla/Claus over the obstacle.]

Claus' Station

Claus: Right, I'll wait here.

[You discard the cave mouse. The wolves seem content to remain here.]

[You stuff the dragon's mask over the wolf's head. It doesn't look much like a dragon, but it'll do.]

Nostrillia/Slimepits: It's okay, human, we start patrolling in a bit.


Player: Okay, this is where you're supposed to be tied up.

Sarsaparilla: I am ready, Director.

[You tie Sarsaparilla to the railings.]

Sarsaparilla: Mmmmph!

[Using the Necklace on Sarsaparilla]

Sarsaparilla: Mmph?

Player: Actually, it's a prop. When your hero rescues you, you can give it to him in thanks.

Sarsaparilla: Mmhmm.

[When done]

Butler: … and you've finished! Great work. Let's go get the brat.

The “quest”

Butler: The quest has been created in accordance with your specifications, my Lord.

Ceril: Jolly good. Let me know when the kid's finished.

Henryeta: Ah, it's you again. How are you getting on with Ceril's project?

Butler: The quest has been created in accordance with his Lordship's specifications, my Lady.

Henryeta: Very well. Carry on.

Player: Hey, Philipe …

Philipe: Not interested!

Player: Please listen, brave adventurer. An innocent girl is being held prisoner in a cave, deep below Ardougne. Will you take up arms and rescue her?

Philipe: I overheard my parents planning this – that they'd hire someone to build a fake quest for me. They think it'll build character.

Player: Oh. Will you do the quest anyway?

[Philipe considers the quest … ]

Philipe: That's lame! Now, go away. My father's bought me some sweets, and I want to eat them in peace.

[Philipe keeps pulling sweets out of his pocket and eating them.]

[You steal his bag of sweets and pass it quietly to Butler Crichton before Philipe can see you.]

Philipe: You again? Have you seen my sweets? I had a whole bag, but they've gone missing.

Player: Let me talk to you about that quest again.

- You can impress a beautiful girl.

Philipe: A beautiful girl? You mean Sarsaparilla? She's boring, never wants to play. Besides, girls smell. And they've got cooties.

- You'll get something valuable.

Philipe: Why bother? My parents are richer than you could imagine, and this mansion will be mine one day!

- Your father will be pleased with you.

Philipe: My parents never notice anything I do.

- A bag of sweets.

Philipe: My sweets? Do you have them?

Player: I … do not have your sweets.

Philipe: Huh. Alright, I'll do your stupid quest. You can be my sidekick, and carry my equipment. Have you got the items I need?

Butler: Philipe will require: Shears or secateurs to cut the tripwire. A disguise and a drink for the jail guard. A sword to fight the dragons.

Player: Okay, follow me.

Philipe: Well, get a move on. I want those sweets you promised.

- I'll leave you alone.

Philipe: Good, leave me alone. I've lost my sweets, and I want to look for them.

(at the entrance)

Philipe: Ugh, this place is filthy.

Butler: Young Master Carnillean gingerly brushes aside the cobwebs that veil the ominous cave, and embarks on his great adventure.

(at the agility obstacle)

Philipe: I'm supposed to cross this, am I?

Butler: Young Master Carnillean gazes, undaunted, at the trials set before him.

Philipe: Can you make Butler Cretin shut up? I bet real adventurers don't have to put up with lame voice-overs on their quests.

Player: Come on, climb over the ledge. It's not that hard.

Philipe: I know! This whole quest is fake. How can I feel like an adventurer when I'm just in a stupid playground?

- Do it for the girl.

- Do it for the sweets.

- Do it or I'll tell your father you refused.

[All options move him forward]

Narrator: Young Master Carnillean and his loyal sidekick fearlessly cross the Chasm of Certain Death.

Philipe: Boring!

(to any decorations)

Philipe: Ewww, there's blood everywhere!

Philipe: Woah! There's something inside the wall!

Philipe: A load of skulls on spikes! Grim!

(at patrolling guards)

Player: Quiet now, there are some guards here. You've got to sneak past them.

Philipe: Can't we kill them instead?


- Unnecessary killing is wrong.

Philipe: I think you're supposed to turn me into an adventurer, not a vegetarian.

Player: Just sneak past them, okay?

- They'd still have time to yell.

Narrator: The intrepid Master Carnillean waits for his moment.

He waits …

Philipe: Can't go now …

Narrator: … and waits ...

Philipe: Can't go now …

Narrator: … and waits some more …

Philipe: I give up! This quest is broken. There's no way to get past those guards; one of them is always watching. Is it a glitch?

Player: Um, I'd better go and get the guards to adjust their patrol slightly.

Philipe: Bet you didn't test it.

Slimepits: It's okay, human, we patrolling like you said.

Player: Wait a moment, I need to talk to you.

Slimepits: Okay, Slimepits listening.

Narrator: Master Carnillean seizes his opportunity, and makes a bold dash for it!

Player: Thanks, that was very helpful. You two can stop patrolling now.

Slimepits or Nostrillia: Thanks for armour, human. Hope your quest turned out alright.

Player: Well done getting past the goblins.

Philipe: Thanks. But it wasn't that hard. Show me where to go next.

(at tripwires)

Philipe: What's this supposed to be?

- Pull it and you'll get a surprise.

Philipe: I'm not stupid, and you're not funny. It's a trap. Give me something to cut it.

- It's a fiendish trap.

Player: Don't you have anything on your toolbelt?

Philipe: Toolbelts are for the working classes.

Player: This should help you cut through the tripwire.

[Philipe accepts the proffered tool.]

Narrator: The dexterous Master Carnillean craftily severs the Lethal Tripwire of Ultimate Doom!

Philipe: Phew, I did it!

Narrator: The dexterous Master Carnillean craftily severs the Second Lethal Tripwire of Ultimate Doom!

Philipe: Huh, it's not hard.

(at guard on bridge)

Player: There's a guard at the bridge. You've got to disguise yourself so you can approach and get him drunk.

Philipe: Why can't I just kill him?

- You're obsessed with killing guards!

Philipe: Father says that, if adventurers didn't kill guards, Ardougne would get a budget deficit from pension funds. The global economy would be ruined.

Player: Oh, right, I see. Well, he'll see you and sound the alarm.

- He'll see you and sound the alarm.

Philipe: Who designed this quest? It's got not combat at all.

Player: There'll be combat soon enough! Now, you need a disguise and some of your father's fortified wine.

[Philipe takes the fortified wine.]

Player: Here's your disguise.

Philipe: You're kidding me. I'm not wearing that! Whose idea was this?

Player: Your father suggested it. If the guard recognizes you, he won't accept the drink.

Philipe: My father wants me to wear a dress? I knew it! They wanted a daughter instead!

[Philipe grudginly takes the dress.]

[Philipe puts on the dress]

Claus: Another hour of this and I'm off – Oh, hang on, what've we got here?

Philipe: Ahem?

Claus: Heavens preserve us, it's the kid. In a dress.

Philipe: Brave guard, you must be weary from your long vigil. Pray take your rest and sup with me awhile.

Claus: Do what with you awhile?

Philipe: Just take the drink!

Claus: The drink! Finally! Give it here, kid.

Narrator: Master Carnillean adopts a brilliant disguise to bamboozle the foolish guard.

Philipe: Now I can get this stupid dress off.

Claus: * snore *

Philipe: Show me where we're supposed to go next.

(at the "dragons")

Philipe: We will never, ever, tell anyone that I wore that dress. Now, what are these creatures supposed to be?

Narrator: Young Master Carnillean finds himself confronted by two mighty dragons, towering over him with fire dripping from their jaws. He steels himself for the ultimate battle.

Philipe: Mighty dragons? Come on, dragons are meant to be terrifying beasts, with wings and fangs and flames. They shouldn't smell of wet dog fur!

- That's all I could find in here.

Philipe: Lame! Give me a sword anyway.

- You couldn't fight a big dragon.

[Philipe takes the sword.]

Narrator: Master Carnillean fearlessly plunges into the fray against the terrifying dragons!

Philipe: Come on, let's get this over with.

Philipe: Take that. Too easy.

The Real Quest

Sarsaparilla: MMMPHH!

Philipe: Your quest is finally getting food. You should have let me skip all that Agility rubbish and jump straight to this boss monster.

Player: This isn't part of the quest! Get away from that thing!

Philipe: No way – I'm going to kill it!

- Stop, it's far too dangerous.

Philipe: Don't tell me what I can't do! Just try to distract the wolf for me.

- Can I help?

Philipe (while fighting the Matriarch):

Woot, level up!

Yeah, level up!

Just keep it distracted!

Take that!

Philipe: I did it! I killed the Cave Wolf Matriarch!

Narrator: The fearsome Master Carnillean proves his might by dispatching the deadly foe! All hail Master Carnillean!

Philipe: Too right! Now, I'd better untie Sarsaparilla. She must have been terrified of that thing.

Sarsaparilla: Philipe! You saved me!

Philipe: Oh, it wasn't that difficult.

[If given necklace] Sarsaparilla: Take this necklace as a token of my eternal appreciation.

Philipe: Um … thanks!

Sarsaparilla: My hero!

Philipe: Oh …

Narrator: As the triumphant Master Carnillean escorts the fair Sarsaparilla to safety, the handsome narrator returns his bag of sweets.

The New Adventurer

Henryeta: Ah, it's you again. How are you getting on with Ceril's project?

Player: Philipe has completed the quest! He defeated a Cave Wolf Matriarch!

Henryeta: I am glad to hear it. Carry on.

- Is that all you're going to say?

Henryeta: My family does not indulge in gratuitous displays of emotion in front of the staff.

- I'd better report back to Sir Ceril.

Henryeta: Yes, he will wish to hear your report.

Butler: Let's go and tell Ceril what happened.

- Yes, let's go.

(continues to Sir Ceril)

- Later.

Butler: Okay.

Philipe: Let's go and tell my father what happened.

- Yes, let's go.

(continues to Sir Ceril)

- Later.

Philipe: I can't wait to tell him.

Sarsaparilla: We should go and inform Philipe's parents of his triumph.

- Yes, let's go.

(continues to Sir Ceril)

- Later.

Sarsaparilla: Very well.

Ceril: I see you've returned. How was it, Philipe? Do you feel like an adventurer?

Philipe: Yes sir, I had an incredible time.

Sarsaparilla: He was amazing, Sir Ceril. He killed a huge, spellcasting wolf with just a sword!

Ceril: What's this? I didn't say anything about a wolf. Why was there a wolf in my quest?

Player: It wasn't there when I set up the dungeon …

Butler: An unfortunate oversight, my Lord. Nevertheless, Master Philipe defeated the Cave Wolf Matriarch and saved everyone.

Ceril: A Cave Wolf Matriarch, eh? That's … most impressive. Jolly good show. Jolly good show indeed. Bah! It's that adventuring woman again. We don't need her anymore.

Sarsaparilla: Yes, we've got our own adventurer now.

Ceril: You, go get rid of her. I want some quality time with my son now. I need to tell him how proud I am of him.

Philipe: Thank you, father …

Xenia: How did Philipe get on with the Cave Wolf Matriarch?

Player: You knew about the Matriarch? Why didn't you tell me?

Xenia: When Ceril first offered me the job, I explored the cave and found her with her pups. Ceril's quest was completely ridiculous – stylised romantic rubbish and entirely safe. Philipe would only learn to be an adventurer if he were faced with a real threat. I stunned the Matriarch and buried her under a pile of rubble, so that she could emerge while Philipe was doing the quest. The ruse seems to have worked, from what I see. Philipe fought the Matriarch and found a little self-respect.

- You could have got us all killed!

Xenia: Stop fretting. You were there to save the day if Philipe turned out to be useless.

- That was very clever.

Xenia: Thank you.

- Why can't you just be honest with me?

Xenia: I wanted Philipe to come face-to-face with the unexpected. If he'd know about the Cave Wolf Matriarch, it wouldn't have been the same at all.

- So what happens now?

Xenia: Philipe has grown from a spoilt brat into a hero. Claim your payment from Ceril; you've earned it.

[Xenia chuckles to herself.]

Ceril: Adventurer, I cannot thank you enough. You've completely transformed my son.

Player: Speaking of Philipe, where is he now?

Ceril: Philipe's left home; he said he 'wanted more adventures'. Couldn't be more proud of him. You certainly earned your reward. I've had Crichton set out your reward in the chest, just here. Philipe's left something for you too. Search the chest to claim it all.

Henryeta: Ah, it's you again. You certainly made a strong impression on Philipe.

Player: I'm glad it worked.

[If you have her necklace]

Henryeta: I see you have my necklace.

Player: Philipe gave it to me in thanks for my help.

Henryeta: I see. Nevertheless, would you be willing to return it? I would pay you handsomely.

- Yes, I'll sell it.

[Lady Henryeta buys the necklace back for 5,000 coins.]

- I want to keep it.

Henryeta: Very well. My offer remains open.

Sarsaparilla: Hello again.

Player: I see you're still here.

Sarsaparilla: Yes, Sir Ceril and Lady Henryeta let me stay. I get to see Philipe whenever he passes through Ardougne.

Player: That's nice.

Claus ... about that wolf ...

Claus: That wine was amazing. I slept right through Philipe's fight with the wolf.

Player: Wow!

Claus: I've a little business proposal for you. Some of my friends heard about the magical wolf. If you can go to the wolf's den, kill it again and bring me it's skill, they'll pay handsomely.

- Will it be difficult?

Claus: Pretty difficult, yeah. She can cast spells, like you saw, and her pups are there to help her. Come back when you handle yourself a little better in combat.

- What's the reward?

Claus: Knowing them, it'll be potion ingredients or magical supplies. That's what they're into.

- Tell me more about your friends.

Claus: They're chaps with chaotic inclination and druidic talents, if you know what I mean. There are loads around Ardougne.

- - They sound like chaos druids.

Claus: Shhh! Look: they just want to do fancy rituals, and a Cave Wolf Matriarch skull will help them out. Okay?

- - They sound like hippies.

Claus: Knock it off, will ya?

- I'll bear it in mind.

Claus: Okay. Let me know if you get the skull.

If returning:

Claus: Will you get me the skill of a Cave Wolf Matriarch?

Post-quest dialogue

Talking to Henryeta Carnillean

  • (If the first four lamps have been claimed and Rover hasn't been claimed:)
    • Henryeta Carnillean: One thing Adventurer.
    • Player: What is it, Henryeta?
    • Henryeta Carnillean: This little mutt has been following me around the past few days. Would you mind taking it off my hands?
    • Player: Absolutely!
    • You mutter to yourself.
    • Player: Pretentious old bag...
    • Henryeta Carnillean: Pardon?
    • Player: Oh nothing. Perhaps we'll meet again soon!
    • A Juvenile Wolf now follows you with a Red Dragon mask, for speaking to Henryeta after talking to Phillipe with 200 quest points. Adorable! You can find this in your pet interface.
    • (Continues below.)
  • Henryeta Carnillean: Ah, it's you again. You certainly made a strong impression on Philipe.
  • Player: I'm glad it worked.
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