This transcript involves dialogue with Evil Dave, Doris, Moia, and Zamorak.
Crystal saw (Prifddinas)
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  • Evil Dave: Oh, hi there Player. What are you doing here?
  • I was looking for a quest.
    • Evil Dave: Oh, I don't have time for quests right now.
    • Player: Why not? (Continues below)
  • I just came to hang out.
    • Evil Dave: You did? Why? I mean... thanks! But I don't have time to hang out right now.
    • Player: Why not?
    • Evil Dave: Haven't you heard?
    • Player: Heard what?
    • Evil Dave: The news!
    • Player: What news?
    • Evil Dave: The news. The big news! The MOST IMPORTANT news you've EVER HEARD in your LIFE!
    • Player: That does sound important. What is it?
    • Evil Dave: Zamorak has returned to Gielinor!
    • Player: Oh, that? That happened ages ago.
    • Evil Dave: I've sent him so many postcards! But he hasn't replied to any of them. I was thinking about conducting a RITUAL OF ULTIMATE DOOMLY EVIL to attract his attention![sic] Oh, maybe you could help me with that. What do you say? Are you in?
    • Player: In what world could I possibly want to do that?
    • Evil Dave: I thought your job was helping people!
Reject Quest
    • Evil Dave: How ever will I impress the INCREDIBLY EVIL LORD ZAMORAK without you.
Accept Quest
    • Evil Dave: Good! I'm glad you've decided to help me MAKE MY WILL REALITY!
    • Player: Shall we get on with it then?
    • Evil Dave: Yes. I don't have long before mum will be after me about the chores. I don't want to get grounded again.
    • Player: Chores?
    • Evil Dave: You don't want to know. You're better off not knowing, believe me. It must be a grand life, being an adventurer, never having to do chores.
    • Player: I don't know, some of these quests feel like-
    • Evil Dave: What was that?
    • Player: Nothing. What is it we're doing?
    • Evil Dave: Oh, that's right!
    • Dave hands you an untidy looking book.
    • Evil Dave: The TOME of UNSPEAKABLE EVIL VILITUDE![sic] Within it is the incarnation you must speak during the ritual. But beware! Should you misspeak but a single syllable, the consequences could be catastrophic indeed!
    • Player: I'll try to bear that in mind. What does the ritual do, anyway? Assuming, of course, that I can manage not to misspeak but a single syllable.
    • Evil Dave: It's a ritual of ultimate doomly doom! The most evil ritual ever performed![sic]
    • Player: I get that. What does it actually do?
    • Evil Dave: Do? Why, it... I suppose it brings forth doom! Doomly doom! Evil doom![sic] Why don't we try it and find out?
    • Player: Why not? What's the worst that could happen?
Scene changes to a cutscene, of the player and Evil Dave facing each other on the opposite sides of a badly drawn pentacle
    • Evil Dave: I'll sacrifice the spell components, then you join me in speaking the words of power.
    • Player: Dave, your handwriting is terrible.
    • Evil Dave: Silence! The ritual commences! BLOOD OF A HELL RAT! PHLEGMATIC HUMOUR! UNWASHED SOCKS!
    • Player: I'm really having trouble making out some of these words.
    • Player: Um... 'Darmy... poom? Da dooom... oom?'... I can't read this next part at all.[sic]
    • Evil Dave: You're doing the spell wrong! NOOOOOOOO!
    • Player: Uh oh.
The player and Evil Dave rise up into the air simultaneously, flying around the pentacle a few times, before their souls fly out of their original bodies and into the other's body.
    • You wake up feeling slightly groggy, not quite remembering what took place.
    • Player: Oh, my head! I must have passed out. Where did Dave go? Oh well. Since I'm awake, I'd better check I'm looking good. I wonder if Dave has a mirror I can use?
Trying to go up the stairs before admiring oneself in the mirror
    • Player: I can't possibly go upstairs without checking myself in the mirror first.
      • Leave Evil Dave Quest.
        • (Dialogue ends)
      • Carry on with the Quest.
        • (Dialogue ends)
Admire! Mirror
    • Player: Oh yeah.
    • Player: Looking fine today!
    • Player: What a gorgeously handsome beard you're sporting.
    • Player: This isn't my face!
    • Player: THIS IS DAVE'S BODY
    • Player: DAVE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
    • Player: ARRRRRRRRGHHH!
    • The player faints, then gets back up onto their feet again
    • Player: It's probably just a bad dream.
    • You pinch yourself.
    • The player pinches themselves, losing 10HP in the process.
    • Player: Ow! Turns out it's not a dream. This is real. I am in Dave's body.
    • Doris: Dave! I need your help! Come upstairs please!
    • Player: I'd better go upstairs and find out what's going on.

Ground floor of Evil Dave's house

Speaking to your new mother
    • Doris: Dave! Finally, you're up! I swear you spend more time in that bed than doing anything productive.
    • Player: Doris, something really strange has happened! I'm not Dave!
    • Doris: I don't have time to play your silly games today, Davey. I've got a lot of shopping to do, and my hip is aching, so I'm going to need your help. Okay?
    • Player: ...
    • Doris: Hello? Dave? Am I boring you?
    • Player: Sorry I'm just... a bit confused.
    • Doris: Yes, well, maybe you shouldn't be spending so much time with that friend of yours.
    • Player: Friend?
    • Doris: What's [his/her] name? Player is it? I saw [him/her] running out of here like [his/her] burn was on fire, just as I was coming in. [He/She]'s a bad influence on you Davey. I've told you that. You're a nice boy.
    • Player: That must have been Dave! In my body!
    • Doris: Silly games, Davey. Don't. Have. Time.
    • Player: But I'm not Dave!
    • Doris: Dave you stop lying to my face right now. You're a good boy, what's gotten into you?
    • Player: I'm Player trapped in Dave's body!
    • Doris: Dave you are testing me right now.
    • Player: I swear!
    • Doris: Fine! If this is the way you want it, so be it! For your own good... YOU. ARE. GROUNDED!
    • Player: Awww...
    • Doris: Now DO YOUR CHORES!
    • Player: But-
    • Doris: No buts, Dave! The floor needs sweeping, the dishes need washing, the vegetables need to be chopped, and your bed is filthy. Now get on with it!
Getting a knife from the sink
    • If you do not already have a knife:
      • You find a clean knife amongst the cutlery.
      • Player: Knife get!
    • If you already have a knife in your inventory:
      • You don't need another knife. We're not dual-wielding here.
Grabbing a bar of dishwashing soap from the shelves
    • If you do not already have a bar of soap:
      • You grab a bar of soap from the shelves.
      • Player: I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
    • If you already have a bar of soap in your inventory:
      • Don't be greedy with the soap! You already have plenty.
Grabbing something from the wardrobe
    • The wardrobe has a few useful household objects in it.
    • Which item do you want?
      • Broom
        • If you do not already have a broom:
          • You grab a broom from the wardrobe.
          • Player: Brushy brushy!
        • If you already have a broom in your inventory:
          • You don't need another broom. You don't want to get broom overload.
      • Bed bug cleaner
        • If you do not already have the bed bug cleaner:
          • You take some bed bug cleaner to clean the bed.
          • Player: I don't want to think about what sort of bed bugs are infesting Dave's bed.
        • If you already have the bed bug cleaner in your inventory:
          • How much bed bug cleaner could you possibly need? No more!.
Chopping the vegetables
    • If the vegetables are not chopped yet:
      • Player: These vegetables could make a really tasty stew.
      • You chop the vegetables roughly into pieces.
      • Player: I should get a job doing this. I wonder how high the celery is.
      • You have completed x/4 chores.
      • If this is your last chore on the ground floor:
        • Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
        • Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.
    • If you already chopped the vegetables:
      • The vegetables are already chopped.
Washing the dishes
    • If the dishes are not washed yet:
      • Player: I definitely didn't expect to spend today washing dishes.
      • Your stomach heaves as you chisel off some raw shark and tomato sauce.
      • Player: Finally, finished.
      • You have completed x/4 chores.
      • If this is your last chore on the ground floor:
        • Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
        • Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.
    • If you already washed the dishes:
      • The dishes are all washed.

Sweeping the rug
    • If the rug is not swept yet:
      • Player: This rug is filthy.
      • You hide all the dust by sweeping it under the rug.
      • Player: Classic technique!
      • You have completed x/4 chores.
      • If this is your last chore on the ground floor:
        • Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
        • Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.
    • If you already swept the rug:
      • The rug has been swept.
Heading down the open trapdoor
    • If you tried to do so before finishing all of the chores except cleaning your bed:
      • Doris: You haven't finished your chores up here yet.
    • If you tried to do so after finishing all of the chores except cleaning your bed:
      • Doris: You have chores to do, Dave. No playing with your rats!

Back in the basement

Cleaning Dave's filthy bed
    • If you chose to take a nap instead:
      • Player: Well that was a waste of time, I'm still Dave!
    • If you chose to clean the bed instead:
      • You sparingly clean the bed with the cleaner.
      • Player: This stuff is corrosive.
      • You have completed 4/4 chores.
      • Player: I feel suddenly... very sleepy. Maybe I'll just have a quick nap in this nice clean bed.
Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to the lobby of Daemonheim, where Dave in the Player's body and Moia are speaking to each other
    • Moia: You tripped every single alarm on the way here, fool. Oh, it's you, World Guardian. To what do we owe the pleasure?
    • Dave: NO WAY! It's Moia! Half-Mahjarrat, half-human, right? I expected the top half to be Mahjarrat and the bottom half human, like a kind of bony mermaid...
    • Moia: We've met before.
    • Dave: I knew that! We did that uh... EVIL thing in that EVIL place.
    • Moia: You don't need to shout every time you say 'evil'. What do you want?
    • Dave: Well, I've not received any replies to the letters I have been sending to Zamorak. But, seeing as I am a World Guardian now...
    • Moia: Letters? Have you been looking to get in contact with My Lord?
    • Dave: You bet your BONY TOP-HALF I have!
    • Moia: Why didn't you say so? I've no doubt My Lord has use for a World Guardian. Would you like to meet with him?
    • Dave: ! What, what would Player say? Forsooth, and lead the way merry Mahjarrat! Adventure awaits! Oh what will I wear? Will he like me? Does my breath smell like stew?
Screen fades out and then fades in
    • Moia: Bow before the Dark Lord, Zamorak!
    • Dave: SO. EVIL. Mighty Zamorak, father of all that is EVIL in this world, I am nothing in your presence.
    • Zamorak: I am surprised to find you here, World Guardian. What can we do for you?
    • Dave: First, can I just say I LOVE what you've been doing. I'm a big, BIG fan. I love it all: the ascending to godhood, building Daemonheim, what you did with the Wilderness...
    • Zamorak: Uh...
    • Moia: Enough. You said you wished to serve Lord Zamorak?
    • Dave: I would do anything for Zamorak.
    • Zamorak: Good. You will undertake a test.
    • Dave: Leaving milk overnight? Stealing a dog's nose?
    • Zamorak: I have a mole in the White Knight's castle.
    • Dave: Giant mole?
    • Zamorak: Saradomin is making a move. He believes that I am for the taking, foolish as that may be. He is meeting with his elite white knights. I want you to take part in that meeting. Find out where he is making his attack, then bring that information to me.
    • Dave: That sounds like a plan for EVIL DAVE! Ahem. Even Evil Dave could do this job. It's that easy. You can count on me, Player! It'll be done in TWO FLICKS OF A DEMONIC LAMB'S TAIL. Later, Big Z! Later, Bony M!
    • Zamorak: Moia. As much as chaos pleases me, Player is behaving erratically. Follow her. I want to be one step ahead of this.
Screen fades out and then fades in, back to the player in the basement
    • Player: What was that? Am I... seeing through Dave's eyes when I'm asleep? Still, the chores are done. I'd better check in with Doris.

Back on the ground floor of Dave's house

    • Doris: Get over here Dave!
Speaking to Doris
    • Doris: Right, I need to pop off for a little while. I need to get the groceries from the grand exchange. You're still grounded, so stay in the house! If you leave, I'll know, and you'll be double grounded! Do you want to get double grounded?
    • Player: No.
    • Doris: Remember, Dave, no leaving the house!
    • Doris teleports away
    • Player: Now that she's finally gone, I can search Dave's basement for his spellbook!

Finding Dave's spellbook in the basement

Searching the bookshelf
    • Player: If I were a book, I'd definitely hide on a bookshelf. It's the perfect camouflage! Come out little bookie-book... 'How to make friends and influence Zamorak', 'Deliciousness is power by Brassica Prime', 'Your new life with Hell Rats'... 'Seren God book', 'Kennith Otter and the Menance of the Sea Slugs', '17 Things You Wouldn't Believe About Mahjarrat'... Dave has a lot of books here.
    • Keep browsing book titles?
      • Yep!
        • Player: 'Hazeel: Cult or Friendship Group?', 'The Power of EVIL: A guide to wearing black', 'The lodestone less travelled'... 'Mastering the art of Asgarnian cooking', 'Battlefield Gielinor: A Saga of the Year 300', 'A New Zanaris'... 'The Poetic Fremennik', 'The Dragon Kite Runner', 'The Lovely Dragon Bones'...
        • Keep going?
          • Sure!
            • You are trapped in the body of Evil Dave and all you want to do is read the titles of books?
              • Really?
                • Absolutely!
                  • Are you 100% sure about that?
                    • Yep. Hundred percent.
                      • No. This is for your own good. You need to get on with the quest and find Dave's spellbook.
                    • I suppose not...
                      • (Same as below)
                • Okay, you're right, I'll stop.
                • (Same as below)
          • No, enough!
            • (Same as below)
      • No, I need to find the spellbook.
        • Player: Oh, what's this?
        • Dave's spellbook!
        • Player: Hm, it's locked. Magical locks like this usually respond to a command phrase. I wonder what it could be?

You have found 1/3 important things!

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