Transcript of Evil Dave's Big Day Out

This page contains dialogue related to Evil Dave's Big Day Out. The content below is copied verbatim from RuneScape and thus copyrighted by Jagex.

This transcript involves dialogue with Evil Dave, Doris, Moia, Zamorak, Chris, Clark, Kara, Kent (Evil Dave's Big Day Out), Makeover Mage, Ernie (Evil Dave's Big Day Out), Shop Assistant, Sir Tiffy Cashien, Sir Kuam Ferentse, and Savant.

This article is actively undergoing a major edit. As a courtesy, please do not edit this page while this message is displayed, in order to avoid edit conflicts.

Start

Basement of DOOM

• Evil Dave: Oh, hi there Player. What are you doing here?
• I was looking for a quest.
  • Evil Dave: Oh, I don't have time for quests right now.
  • Player: Why not? (Continues below)
• I just came to hang out.
  • Evil Dave: You did? Why? I mean... thanks! But I don't have time to hang out right now.
  • Player: Why not?
  • Evil Dave: Haven't you heard?
  • Player: Heard what?
  • Evil Dave: The news!
  • Player: What news?
  • Evil Dave: The news. The big news! The MOST IMPORTANT news you've EVER HEARD in your LIFE!
  • Player: That does sound important. What is it?
  • Evil Dave: Zamorak has returned to Gielinor!
  • Player: Oh, that? That happened ages ago.
  • Evil Dave: I've sent him so many postcards! But he hasn't replied to any of them. I was thinking about conducting a RITUAL OF ULTIMATE DOOMLY EVIL to attract his attention! Oh, maybe you could help me with that. What do you say? Are you in?
  • Player: In what world could I possibly want to do that?
  • Evil Dave: I thought your job was helping people!

Reject Quest

• Evil Dave: How ever will I impress the INCREDIBLY EVIL LORD ZAMORAK without you.

Accept Quest

• Evil Dave: Good! I'm glad you've decided to help me MAKE MY WILL REALITY!
• Player: Shall we get on with it then?
• Evil Dave: Yes. I don't have long before mum will be after me about the chores. I don't want to get grounded again.
• Player: Chores?
• Evil Dave: You don't want to know. You're better off not knowing, believe me. It must be a grand life, being an adventurer, never having to do chores.
• Player: I don't know, some of these quests feel like-
• Evil Dave: What was that?
• Player: Nothing. What is it we're doing?
• Evil Dave: Oh, that's right!
• Dave hands you an untidy looking book.
• Evil Dave: The TOME of UNSPEAKABLE EVIL VILITUDE! Within it is the incarnation you must speak during the ritual. But beware! Should you misspeak but a single syllable, the consequences could be catastrophic indeed!
• Player: I'll try to bear that in mind. What does the ritual do, anyway? Assuming, of course, that I can manage not to misspeak but a single syllable.
• Evil Dave: It's a ritual of ultimate doomly doom! The most evil ritual ever performed!
• Player: I get that. What does it actually do?
• Evil Dave: Do? Why, it... I suppose it brings forth doom! Doomly doom! Evil doom! Why don't we try it and find out?
• Player: Why not? What's the worst that could happen?

Scene changes to a cutscene, of the player and Evil Dave facing each other on the opposite sides of a badly drawn pentacle

• Evil Dave: I'll sacrifice the spell components, then you join me in speaking the words of power.
• Player: Dave, your handwriting is terrible.
• Evil Dave: Silence! The ritual commences! BLOOD OF A HELL RAT! PHLEGMATIC HUMOUR! UNWASHED SOCKS!
• Player: I'm really having trouble making out some of these words.
• Evil Dave: SPEAK THEM! SPEAK THE WORDS WITH ME! DOOMY DOOM DA DOOM DOOM EVIL DOOM!
• Player: Um... 'Darmy... poom? Da dooom... oom?'... I can't read this next part at all.
• Evil Dave: You're doing the spell wrong! NOOOOOOOO!
• Player: Uh oh.

The player and Evil Dave rise up into the air simultaneously, flying around the pentacle a few times, before their souls fly out of their original bodies and into the other's body.

• You wake up feeling slightly groggy, not quite remembering what took place.
• Player: Oh, my head! I must have passed out. Where did Dave go? Oh well. Since I'm awake, I'd better check I'm looking good. I wonder if Dave has a mirror I can use?

Trying to go up the stairs before admiring oneself in the mirror

• Player: I can't possibly go upstairs without checking myself in the mirror first.
  • Leave Evil Dave Quest.
    • (Dialogue ends)
  • Carry on with the Quest.
    • (Dialogue ends)

Admire! Mirror

• Player: Oh yeah.
• Player: Looking fine today!
• Player: What a gorgeously handsome beard you're sporting.
• Player: This isn't my face!
• Player: THIS IS DAVE'S BODY
• Player: DAVE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
• Player: ARRRRRRRRGHHH!
• The player faints, then gets back up onto their feet again
• Player: It's probably just a bad dream.
• You pinch yourself.
• The player pinches themselves, losing 10HP in the process.
• Player: Ow! Turns out it's not a dream. This is real. I am in Dave's body.
• Doris: Dave! I need your help! Come upstairs please!
• Player: I'd better go upstairs and find out what's going on.

Ground floor of Evil Dave's house

Speaking to your new mother

• Doris: Dave! Finally, you're up! I swear you spend more time in that bed than doing anything productive.
• Player: Doris, something really strange has happened! I'm not Dave!
• Doris: I don't have time to play your silly games today, Davey. I've got a lot of shopping to do, and my hip is aching, so I'm going to need your help. Okay?
• Player: ...
• Doris: Hello? Dave? Am I boring you?
• Player: Sorry I'm just... a bit confused.
• Doris: Yes, well, maybe you shouldn't be spending so much time with that friend of yours.
• Player: Friend?
• Doris: What's [his/her] name? Player is it? I saw [him/her] running out of here like [his/her] bum was on fire, just as I was coming in. [He/She]'s a bad influence on you Davey. I've told you that. You're a nice boy.
• Player: That must have been Dave! In my body!
• Doris: Silly games, Davey. Don't. Have. Time.
• Player: But I'm not Dave!
• Doris: Dave you stop lying to my face right now. You're a good boy, what's gotten into you?
• Player: I'm Player trapped in Dave's body!
• Doris: Dave you are testing me right now.
• Player: I swear!
• Doris: Fine! If this is the way you want it, so be it! For your own good... YOU. ARE. GROUNDED!
• Player: Awww...
• Doris: Now DO YOUR CHORES!
• Player: But-
• Doris: No buts, Dave! The floor needs sweeping, the dishes need washing, the vegetables need to be chopped, and your bed is filthy. Now get on with it!

Getting a knife from the sink

• If you do not already have a knife:
  • You find a clean knife amongst the cutlery.
  • Player: Knife get!
• If you already have a knife in your inventory:
  • You don't need another knife. We're not dual-wielding here.

Grabbing a bar of dishwashing soap from the shelves

• If you do not already have a bar of soap:
  • You grab a bar of soap from the shelves.
  • Player: I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
• If you already have a bar of soap in your inventory:
  • Don't be greedy with the soap! You already have plenty.

Grabbing something from the wardrobe

• The wardrobe has a few useful household objects in it.
• Which item do you want?
  • Broom
    • If you do not already have a broom:
      • You grab a broom from the wardrobe.
      • Player: Brushy brushy!
    • If you already have a broom in your inventory:
      • You don't need another broom. You don't want to get broom overload.
  • Bed bug cleaner
    • If you do not already have the bed bug cleaner:
      • You take some bed bug cleaner to clean the bed.
      • Player: I don't want to think about what sort of bed bugs are infesting Dave's bed.
    • If you already have the bed bug cleaner in your inventory:
      • How much bed bug cleaner could you possibly need? No more!.

Chopping the vegetables

• If the vegetables are not chopped yet:
  • Player: These vegetables could make a really tasty stew.
  • You chop the vegetables roughly into pieces.
  • Player: I should get a job doing this. I wonder how high the celery is.
  • You have completed x/4 chores.
• If you already chopped the vegetables:
  • The vegetables are already chopped.

Washing the dishes

• If the dishes are not washed yet:
  • Player: I definitely didn't expect to spend today washing dishes.
  • Your stomach heaves as you chisel off some raw shark and tomato sauce.
  • Player: Finally, finished.
    • You have completed x/4 chores.
• If you already washed the dishes:
  • The dishes are all washed.

Sweeping the rug

• If the rug is not swept yet:
  • Player: This rug is filthy.
  • You hide all the dust by sweeping it under the rug.
  • Player: Classic technique!
  • You have completed x/4 chores.
• If you already swept the rug:
  • The rug has been swept.

Upon finishing all the chores in the kitchen

• Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
• Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.

Heading down the open trapdoor

• If you tried to do so before finishing all of the chores except cleaning your bed:
  • Doris: You haven't finished your chores up here yet.
• If you tried to do so after finishing all of the chores except cleaning your bed:
  • Doris: You have chores to do, Dave. No playing with your rats!

Back in the basement

Cleaning Dave's filthy bed

• If you chose to take a nap instead:
  • Player: Well that was a waste of time, I'm still Dave!
• If you chose to clean the bed instead:
  • You sparingly clean the bed with the cleaner.
  • Player: This stuff is corrosive.
  • You have completed 4/4 chores.
  • Player: I feel suddenly... very sleepy. Maybe I'll just have a quick nap in this nice clean bed.

Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to the lobby of Daemonheim, where Dave in the Player's body and Moia are speaking to each other

• Moia: You tripped every single alarm on the way here, fool. Oh, it's you, World Guardian. To what do we owe the pleasure?
• Dave: NO WAY! It's Moia! Half-Mahjarrat, half-human, right? I expected the top half to be Mahjarrat and the bottom half human, like a kind of bony mermaid...
• Moia: We've met before.
• Dave: I knew that! We did that uh... EVIL thing in that EVIL place.
• Moia: You don't need to shout every time you say 'evil'. What do you want?
• Dave: Well, I've not received any replies to the letters I have been sending to Zamorak. But, seeing as I am a World Guardian now...
• Moia: Letters? Have you been looking to get in contact with My Lord?
• Dave: You bet your BONY TOP-HALF I have!
• Moia: Why didn't you say so? I've no doubt My Lord has use for a World Guardian. Would you like to meet with him?
• Dave: ! What, what would Player say? Forsooth, and lead the way merry Mahjarrat! Adventure awaits! Oh what will I wear? Will he like me? Does my breath smell like stew?

Screen fades out and then fades in

• Moia: Bow before the Dark Lord, Zamorak!
• Dave: SO. EVIL. Mighty Zamorak, father of all that is EVIL in this world, I am nothing in your presence.
• Zamorak: I am surprised to find you here, World Guardian. What can we do for you?
• Dave: First, can I just say I LOVE what you've been doing. I'm a big, BIG fan. I love it all: the ascending to godhood, building Daemonheim, what you did with the Wilderness...
• Zamorak: Uh...
• Moia: Enough. You said you wished to serve Lord Zamorak?
• Dave: I would do anything for Zamorak.
• Zamorak: Good. You will undertake a test.
• Dave: Leaving milk overnight? Stealing a dog's nose?
• Zamorak: I have a mole in the White Knight's castle.
• Dave: Giant mole?
• Zamorak: Saradomin is making a move. He believes that I am for the taking, foolish as that may be. He is meeting with his elite white knights. I want you to take part in that meeting. Find out where he is making his attack, then bring that information to me.
• Dave: That sounds like a plan for EVIL DAVE! Ahem. Even Evil Dave could do this job. It's that easy. You can count on me, Player! It'll be done in TWO FLICKS OF A DEMONIC LAMB'S TAIL. Later, Big Z! Later, Bony M!
• Zamorak: Moia. As much as chaos pleases me, Player is behaving erratically. Follow her. I want to be one step ahead of this.

Screen fades out and then fades in, back to the player in the basement

• Player: What was that? Am I... seeing through Dave's eyes when I'm asleep? Still, the chores are done. I'd better check in with Doris.

Back on the ground floor of Evil Dave's house

• Doris: Get over here Dave!

Speaking to Doris

• Doris: Right, I need to pop off for a little while. I need to get the groceries from the grand exchange. You're still grounded, so stay in the house! If you leave, I'll know, and you'll be double grounded! Do you want to get double grounded?
• Player: No.
• Doris: Remember Dave, no leaving the house!
• Doris teleports away
• Player: Now that she's finally gone, I can search Dave's basement for his spellbook!

Finding Dave's spellbook in the basement

Searching the bookshelf

• If you have yet to search his bookshelf:
  • Player: If I were a book, I'd definitely hide on a bookshelf. It's the perfect camouflage! Come out little bookie-book... 'How to make friends and influence Zamorak', 'Deliciousness is power by Brassica Prime', 'Your new life with Hell Rats'... 'Seren God book', 'Kennith Otter and the Menance of the Sea Slugs', '17 Things You Wouldn't Believe About Mahjarrat'... Dave has a lot of books here.
  • Keep browsing book titles?
    • Yep!
      • Player: 'Hazeel: Cult or Friendship Group?', 'The Power of EVIL: A guide to wearing black', 'The lodestone less travelled'... 'Mastering the art of Asgarnian cooking', 'Battlefield Gielinor: A Saga of the Year 300', 'A New Zanaris'... 'The Poetic Fremennik', 'The Dragon Kite Runner', 'The Lovely Dragon Bones'...
      • Keep going?
        • Sure!
          • You are trapped in the body of Evil Dave and all you want to do is read the titles of books?
            • Really?
              • Absolutely!
                • Are you 100% sure about that?
                  • Yep. Hundred percent.
                    • No. This is for your own good. You need to get on with the quest and find Dave's spellbook.
                  • I suppose not...
                    • (Same as below)
              • Okay, you're right, I'll stop.
              • (Same as below)
        • No, enough!
          • (Same as below)
    • No, I need to find the spellbook.
      • Player: Oh, what's this?
      • Dave's spellbook!
      • Player: Hm, it's locked. Magical locks like this usually respond to a command phrase. I wonder what it could be?
      • You have found 1/3 important things!
• If you have finished searching his bookshelf:
  • Player: I think I've had quite enough of Dave's bookshelf.

Searching the drapes

• If you have yet to search the drapes:
  • Player: I pull back the curtain to reveal... A secret hidey-hole in the wall! This must be where Dave stores all his things and stuff! Let's see, what's he got...
  • A note with a picture of Dave's face.
  • Player: What's this? 'Let it be known that Dave Karloff, alias 'Evil Dave', is no longer welcome in Falador after his role in the infamous 'Hugs for Zamorak' heresy.' I guess Dave is more of a badass than I realised.
  • Law, earth and air runes.
  • Player: Could come in handy. Yoink.
  • You have found 2/3 important things!
• If you have searched the drapes:
  • Player: I already looked here. Hidey-holes are such a good idea.
  • You have found 2/3 important things!

Searching the boiler

• If you have yet to search the boiler:
  • Player: Hm. I wonder if anything useful has gotten lost behind the boiler. Let's see, I'll just reach behind here where it's dark... What's this?
  • You find a note.
  • Player: Oh, there's something on it.
  • A tiny spider on the note peers up at you hopefully.
  • Player: NO NO NO - GET IT OFF - GET IT OFF
  • Screen fades out then back in
  • Player: Ow. I bumped my head. I'm not normally scared of spiders. What happened? Oh no. *Dave* is scared of spiders... That doesn't bode well. Oh wait, what did the note say? 'Evil is the best.' What a strange thing to write on a note. Well, I suppose it is Dave.
  • You have finished searching the basement.
  • Player: Doesn't look like there's anything else to find down here. Maybe I should mess with Dave's spellbook? That sounds like a good idea.
• If you have searched the boiler:
  • Player: You win this time, spider. Have your lair!

Investigating Dave's spellbook

• If the spellbook is still locked:
  • If you do not know the right command phrase yet:
    • Player: I won't be able to open this without knowing the right command phrase.
  • If you knew the right command phrase:
    • Player: I won't be able to open this without knowing the right command phrase. I wonder... how about 'Evil is the best!'
    • The tome springs open.
    • Player: Sweet. Let's take a looksee at this spellbook. Hm... speak to animals... teleport to Makeover Mage... Really low alchemy... Dave's Christmas list... Ah! The ritual of ultimate doomly doom! But I need Dave back here to cast it. Besides, if he's really heading to Falador then I have to stop him. Guthix knows what sort of havoc he could wreak on the white knights if I don't stop him. Not to mention, I'll get the blame for everything because he looks just like me. But Dave is banned from Falador! I'll never get in looking like this. I'd better come up with a really good plan... hm... Of course! It's so obvious. I'll have the Makeover Mage transform me into a woman! That's perfect. Sometimes I really am a genius. Hm. But a female Dave would need a female Dave name. What could I be called? Of course! It's so obvious. Davegelina! Perfect. I can probably make it to the Makeover Mage and back before mum... I mean before Doris gets home. Good thing Dave had that Teleport: Makeover Mage spell in his spellbook!
• If the spellbook is no longer locked:
  • Teleport to the Makeover Mage?
    • Yes
      • Player: Here goes nothing... Tropelet, dnarg egnahcxe!
      • (continues below)
    • No
      • (Dialogue ends)

Finding Dave

At the Grand Exchange

A wrong teleport

• Player: This isn't the Makeover Mage, this is the Grand Exchange! How did that happen? Uh oh, wasn't Doris...
• Doris: ...and candles, and a plug for the bathroom, and a saw, and a hose...
• Player: ARGHHHHHHHHHH
• Player teleports away, and Doris turns around
• Doris: ...and a tin of peas, and some shoes, and some washers...
• Player teleports behind a pillar
• Doris: Right, thank you.
• Doris walks away
• Doris: What a helpful clerk that was. And always with such a friendly smile!
• Player: Too close! She would have double grounded me for sure! How did I end up here?
• You consult the spellbook.
• Player: Ohhhh... he's labelled the spells wrong. I see what to do now. Looks like I'm out of runes, I'd better check Dave's bank.

Speaking to either Chris or Kara

• If it's your first time speaking to either of them:
  • Player: Hi, I'd like to access my account.
  • Banker: Today's bank is brought to you by Aubury's Rune Shop, your one stop shop for that last rune drop! Oh, it's you Dave. Did you you know that we have a special competition on today?
  • Player: That's nice, but I just want to access my account.
  • Banker: We're being sponsored by Aubury's Rune Shop. You could win a prize!
  • Player: I just want to access... wait, prize? What prize?
  • Banker: An earth rune.
  • Player: A whole earth rune?
  • Banker: That's right! A magnificent prize!
  • Player: I'm in!! What do I have to do?
  • Banker: Well, Dave, all you have to do is correctly guess the number of runes in this jar.
  • The banker holds up an almost entirely empty jar.
  • Banker: As you can see, we've already given out quite a lot of prizes. Would you care to take a guess?
  • Player: But there's only one rune in that jar.
  • Banker: Final answer?
  • Player: Yes. There's clearly only one rune in the jar.
  • Banker: I'm sorry Dave, but I'm going to have to press you. Are you *quite sure*?
  • Player: Yes. Wait, no. Yes! One rune!
  • Banker: You win! One earth rune to you, congratulations!
  • The banker removes the earth rune from the jar and hands it over to you.
  • Banker: Aubury's Rune Shop, your one stop shop for that last rune drop! Is there anything else I can help you with today?
  • Player: My account?
  • Banker: Of course.
  • You have 1/3 runes needed to teleport to the makeover mage.
• If it's not your first time speaking to either of them:
  • Player: Hi, I'd like to access my account.
  • Banker: Of course. Visit the Varrock Sword Shop today for a fine steal on some fine steel. They're slashing prices!

After withdrawing the law rune from Dave's bank

• You have 2/3 runes needed to teleport to the makeover mage.

Drinking the Emergency flask of stew

• You glug back some EVIL STEW OF DOOM. It slightly singes your throat.
• Player: Is that orange? Delicious.

Using the empty flask of stew on the fountain

• You fill the empty flask with water. A couple of chunks rise to the top.
• Player: The good old fill a vial at a fountain trick.

Speaking to either Clark or Kent

• If you are speaking with them for the first time:
  • Exchange Clerk: Hey, Dave! You know you're not allowed to use the exchange.
  • Player: What? Why?
  • Exchange Clerk: You know why!
  • Player: Let's say for the sake of argument that I don't. Could you explain?
  • Exchange Clerk: Because last year you bought all that shadow dye! You don't even own anything tough enough to withstand it. You dissolved three of your poor mum's dresses!
  • Player: Oh, uh, I'm very sorry about that. But look, I really need some runes.
  • Exchange Clerk: What for?
  • Player: I need to stop a friend from making a terrible mistake I'll get blamed for.
  • Exchange Clerk: Okay Dave, seeing as it's you. What kind of runes are you after?
    • Law Runes.
      • Exchange Clerk: Do I look like I'm made of money?
      • Player: Actually, yes.
      • Exchange Clerk: Well, yes, I suppose I sort of do. But I won't be able to afford any more nice suits if I just hand out law runes left and right.
      • (Shows other options)
    • Earth Runes.
      • Exchange Clerk: Oh, I don't have any earth runes I'm afraid. You might try speaking to one of the bankers though. I think I heard something about a competition.
      • (Shows other options)
    • Air Runes.
      • Exchange Clerk: Yes, I have a few air runes I might be able to spare for you. I want something in return though.
      • Player: What?
      • Exchange Clerk: I really need something to drink. Be a mate and go fetch us one, would you?
• If you are speaking with them subsequently:
  • Exchange Clerk: Do you have anything for me to drink?
    • If you do not have the Emergency flask of stew on you, or if the flask is empty:
      • (Dialogue ends)
    • If you have the Emergency flask of stew on you:
      • Exchange Clerk: What's this?
      • Player: I brought you something to drink. Yum yum!
      • Exchange Clerk: Is this... one of your stews?
      • Player: I can only assume so!
      • Exchange Clerk: No thank you. They're too spicy for my blood. Maybe you could find some water? Isn't there a fountain around here somewhere?
    • If you have the Flask of stew-water on you:
      • Exchange Clerk: What's this?
      • Player: Some water. Mostly.
      • The thirsty clerk gulps down the water, lumps and all.
      • Exchange Clerk: Was that a hint of orange?
      • Player: Possibly!
      • Exchange Clerk: Delicious. Here's your air runes. Say hi to Doris for me.
      • The clerk drops three air runes into your hand.
      • Player: Brilliant! I have all the runes I need to teleport. Let's give teleporting a go! Tropelet, revoekam egam!

Makeover Mage's House

Successful Teleport

• Player: And... we made it to the right place this time!
• Makeover Mage: Oh, hello Dave!
• Player: Listen, I know I look like Dave, but I'm actually not Dave.
• Makeover Mage: Oh? Who are you then?
• Player: It's me, Player!
• Makeover Mage: Is this another of your evil schemes, Dave? It's not okay to impersonate other people.
• Player: Listen, I can prove it! You remember when you helped me brew a goblin transformation potion? You gave me some free Pharmakos berries!
• Makeover Mage: Hm... let me think... Player?! You're the only person that's ever needed a goblin transformation potion. So how did this happen?
• Player: I was helping Dave conduct a ritual of ultimate doomly doom.
• Makeover Mage: That doesn't sound wise.
• Player: On reflection it's probably not one of my best plans. Anyway thanks to Dave's terrible handwriting it went wrong, and somehow we swapped bodies! Now Dave has my body with all of its awesome power and I'm worried he's going to do something properly evil with it, rather than just Dave evil.
• Makeover Mage: I can see how that certainly is a pickle. Why are you here though? Shouldn't you be out looking for Dave?
• Player: He's heading to Falador to spy on the white knights. I can't follow him there to stop him because Dave is banned in Falador.
• Makeover Mage: And you want me to help to disguise you?
• Player: That's right! I need you to turn me into a woman.
• Makeover Mage: You need me to... what?
• Player: Turn me into a woman. Can you do it?
• Makeover Mage: I mean of course I can, I'm just slightly confused as to how that will help.
• Player: Surely it's obvious. If I look like a woman, they won't know it's me. Anyway this is the PLAN and I have to stick to the plan.
• Makeover Mage: Well, it's up to you. I think Dave may be started to rub off on you though.
• Player: Oh. One more thing. Can I keep the beard?
• Makeover Mage: You want to... never mind. I don't normally allow that, but I'll make a special exception for you. Okay, here we go!

A cloud of smoke engulfs the player, and they become a female Dave

• Makeover Mage: It is done! You do look ravishing. Have you given any thought to a name?
• Player: I have. Henceforth I shall be known only as... DAVEGELINA!
• Makeover Mage: ...
• Player: What?
• Makeover Mage: I don't want to mock your self-expression, but...
• Player: What?
• Makeover Mage: Davegelina is really stupid.
• Player: Okay, how about Davesephine?
• Makeover Mage: Stupid.
• Player: Daverielle?
• Makeover Mage: Double stupid.
• Player: Davabeth?
• Makeover Mage: Stupid.
• Player: Alright, since you're so clever, what do you think it should be?
• Makeover Mage: I mean, the female form of Dave would be...
• Player: Of course! Davelotte!
• Makeover Mage: No! Davina!
• Player: Oh, right, Davina, yeah.
• Player: Henceforth I shall be known only as... DAVINA! Or Dave, for short. Okay, well thanks for the help. I'd eally better be off.
• Makeover Mage: Farewell Dave, I mean Davina, I mean Player. Good luck!
• Player: Oh, uh, I'm out of runes again... Is there any chance you could teleport me home?
• Makeover Mage: Sure.

The player is teleported back to Evil Dave's house by the Makeover Mage

Back at Evil Dave's House

• Player: Just in time! Mum hasn't arrived yet. I, uh, mean Doris of course.
• Doris: Oh there you are!
• Doris: Davey! You're such a good boy. Why don't you come here for a hug?
• Player: That's okay mum... I mean Doris... I mean mum.
• Doris: *sniffs* What's that smell, Dave?
• Player: What smell?
• Doris: You smell... fresh! You smell normal!
• Player: Uh... isn't that a good thing?
• Doris: Well normally you'd think so, but you always smell of hell rat-filled basement. You haven't been... you haven't been *outside* have you? You can't have been, seeing as how you're grounded and all.
• Player: That's right mum. I stayed right here.
• Doris: Don't lie to me, Davey! If you've been here the whole time, why do you smell so fresh?
• Player: I was at home, I swear!
• Doris: I'm going to count to three, Davey.
  • I took a shower.
    • Doris: One.
    • (Continues below)
  • It's just pot pourri.
    • Doris: One.
    • (Continues below)
  • I was playing in the wardrobe.
    • Doris: One.
    • (Continues below)
      • My life got flipped, turned upside down.
        • Doris: Two.
        • (Continues below)
      • I invented a new spell called 'Fresh Air Blast'.
        • Doris: Two.
        • (Continues below)
      • I hugged a cloud.
        • Doris: Two.
        • (Continues below)
          • I found a secret portal to the breeze dimension! Jeez!
            • Doris: Three.
            • (Continues below)
          • I just smell really good today. Okay?!
            • Doris: Three.
            • (Continues below)
          • Why do YOU smell so fresh mum? Huh? Think about that!
            • Doris: Three.
            • (Continues below)
              • Player: I... had the Makeover Mage turn me into a woman.
              • Doris: You did WHAT?!
              • Player: I realise this transition can be difficult to accept...
              • Doris: Not that! Your choices are your choices Dave. You have to be yourself. But you LEFT THE HOUSE! After I SPECIFICALLY GROUNDED YOU! Dave I expected better of you. It pains me to have to do this but... YOU. ARE. DOUBLE! GROUNDED!! Sweep the floor! Wash the dishes! Chop the vegetables! Clean your filthy bed!
              • Player: But I already did all that!
              • Doris: I don't want to hear it Dave! Do them again!

Washing the dishes

• If you have yet to break a plate:
  • You grab a plate accidentally smash it to pieces.
  • Player: I should probably get a new plate. Mum - Doris - will kill me!
• After getting a replacement plate:
  • Player: I'd better wash that new plate at least.
  • (Sink activities interface opens)
  • The new plate has a stain in the shape of Evil Dave's face.
  • Player: That's weird...
  • You have completed x/4 chores.

Chopping the vegetables

• If you have yet to break the knife:
  • The knife hits a particularly solid piece of carrot and shatters.
  • Player: Now I need a new knife. I'd better replace that broken knife.
• After getting a replacement knife:
  • Player: These vegetables have already been chopped.
  • (Vegetable activities interface opens)
  • Player: You know, they used to call me the prima donna chef. Because I would make a meal out of every situation!
  • The vegetable pieces respond with complete silence. You punish them by chopping them into even tinier pieces.
  • You have completed x/4 chores.

Attempting to get another knife from the sink after the knife breaks

• You find a broken knife amongst the cutlery.
• Player: Hm, this knife is still broken. I need a new one.

Sweeping the rug

• If you have yet to break the broom:
  • The broom snaps apart in your hands.
  • Player: I should probably get a replacement broom before trying to sweep this...
• After getting a replacement broom:
  • Player: How is this rug so muddy? Oh yeah, that was me.
  • (Rug activities interface opens)
  • The mud is so caked-in that you give up and just turn the rug over.
  • Player: I guess I didn't need that broom after all.
  • You have completed x/4 chores.

Attempting to get another broom from the wardrobe after the broom breaks

• There are no more brooms. You'll have to get a new one somehow.

Speaking to Doris before you go to the shops

• Player: Hypothetically, if I had broken something, where would I go to get a new one?
• Doris: You'd go to Ernie at the general store across the street of course. Why are you asking? Did you break something?
• Player: Oh no, of course not! I'm uh... asking for a friend.
• Doris: Was it that Player? Why don't you try being friends with that nice shopkeeper's assistant instead?
• Player: Player is the best, mum. To know [him/her] is to love [him/her]. and to love [him/her] is to know [him/her].
• Doris: You're a lovely boy Davey but you're a terrible judge of character.

Heading out to the shops

• Mum: Where are you going? Have you forgotten you're grounded young man?
• Player: I need to go get supplies for chores from the general store.
• Mum: Oh Dave, did you break something again? Well okay, but come straight back!

Speaking to the Shopkeeper

• Shopkeeper: Dave, how are things? How's your mother?
• Player: I'm fine, sort of. She's fine.
• Shopkeeper: Glad to hear it Dave. What can I help you with?
• If your broom has broken:
  • Player: I need a new broom.
  • Shopkeeper: Oh, what happened to the last one?
  • Player: I broke it cleaning the kitchen...
  • Shopkeeper: You're such a good boy, Dave. Always doing your chores. Your mum must be so proud. Well, here's a new one for you.
  • You have replaced the broken broom with a new one.
  • If it's the first time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I don't have any money.
    • Shopkeeper: That's okay. We'll call it a present, alright? You'll mention to your mother that I helped you out?
    • Player: Of course.
    • (Continues below)
  • If it's the second time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I still don't have any money.
    • Shopkeeper: Of course you don't. That's okay, your mum can sort it out next time she's in.
    • (Continues below)
  • If it's the third time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I'm sorry, but I still can't pay for this.
    • Shopkeeper: That's alright, Dave. Don't worry about it. You just hang on in there, alright champ?
    • Player: I... sure.
      • (Dialogue ends)
• If your knife has broken:
  • Player: I need a new knife. The old one is broken.
  • Shopkeeper: Oh Dave, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll find you a nice new one.
  • The shopkeeper hands you a shiny new knife, handle first.
  • You have replaced the broken knife with a new one.
  • Shopkeeper: You be careful with that, okay? It's sharp.
  • If it's the first time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I don't have any money.
    • Shopkeeper: That's okay. We'll call it a present, alright? You'll mention to your mother that I helped you out?
    • Player: Of course.
    • (Continues below)
  • If it's the second time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I still don't have any money.
    • Shopkeeper: Of course you don't. That's okay, your mum can sort it out next time she's in.
    • (Continues below)
  • If it's the third time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I'm sorry, but I still can't pay for this.
    • Shopkeeper: That's alright, Dave. Don't worry about it. You just hang on in there, alright champ?
    • Player: I... sure.
      • (Dialogue ends)
• If a plate has broken:
  • Player: I broke a plate. I need a new one.
  • Shopkeeper: Oh Dave. And I bet you were trying so hard as well. These things happen.
  • Player: Do you have a new one? I want to replace it.
  • Shopkeeper: That's so responsible of you Dave! Here you go, one nice plate. Make sure you wash it before you put food on it, though.
  • You have replaced the broken plate with a new one.
  • If it's the first time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I don't have any money.
    • Shopkeeper: That's okay. We'll call it a present, alright? You'll mention to your mother that I helped you out?
    • Player: Of course.
    • (Continues below)
  • If it's the second time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I still don't have any money.
    • Shopkeeper: Of course you don't. That's okay, your mum can sort it out next time she's in.
    • (Continues below)
  • If it's the third time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
    • Player: I'm sorry, but I still can't pay for this.
    • Shopkeeper: That's alright, Dave. Don't worry about it. You just hang on in there, alright champ?
    • Player: I... sure.
      • (Dialogue ends)
• If nothing has broken yet, or you have obtained replacements for all broken items:
  • Player: Nothing actually!
    • (Dialogue ends)

Speaking to the Shop Assistant

• Shop Assistant: Oh! Hi Dave
• Player: I'm not- I mean, er, hey... *you*.
• Shop Assistant: Hey, have you changed something? Your hair, or...? Whatever it is, I love it.
• Player: Thanks, I guess.
• Shop Assistant: Look at me jabbering on. Bet you have more important things to be cracking on with. ...Do you?
• Player: ...
• Shop Assistant: I mean, if it's a time issue, then perhaps we could arrange dinner?
• Player: I just don't see why you can't put anything urgent in a letter or something.
• Shop Assistant: Oh, right. Retro. You're so cool, Dave. Well, I guess I'll see you around.
• Player: ... Dave is such an oblivious dishcloth...

Upon finishing all the chores in the kitchen

• Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
• Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.

Basement of DOOM

Cleaning the bed

• If you have yet to finish the chores upstairs:
  • Doris: DAVE! You still have chores to finish upstairs!
• If you have completed the chores upstairs:
  • (Bed activities interface opens)
  • You use a lot more cleaner this time.
  • Player: If I'm going to sleep in this thing to get another vision I want it to be clean.
  • You have completed 4/4 chores.
  • Player: If I nap again, maybe I'll get another vision of what Dave is up to.

Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to the Falador Park, where Dave in the Player's body and Sir Tiffy Cashien are speaking to each other

• Dave: So, I was hoping you could help me become an elite Black Knight. WHITE KNIGHT. Gosh, it's so easy to get them mixed up. WHITE Knight.
• Sir Tiffy Cashien: Something tells me that we should rewind your training a bit. Let's start with a few tests.

Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to an unknown room

• Sir Kuam Ferentse: Ah, Player, you're finally here. Your task for this room is to defeat Sir Leye. He has been blessed by Saradomin to be undefeatable by any man.
• Dave: Wait. No man can defeat him?
• Sir Kuam Ferentse: Mhm, yes.
• Dave: As in, no MAN can kill him.
• Sir Kuam Ferentse: There is much wisdom in you. I see you have unravelled my riddl...
• Dave: What about a CAT?
• Sir Kuam Ferentse: Uh, a cat would be able to kill him, yes.
• Dave: What if the cat was being ridden by a man?
• Sir Kuam Ferentse: Uh, if the cat delivered the killing blow, I suppose...
• Dave: What if a man fed him some cat, and the cat was out-of-date?
• Sir Kuam Ferentse: You are totally overthinking this.
• Dave: Nope! Cats are definitely the solution here. BYEEEE!

Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to a pier

• Savant: Player, what's happening?
• Dave: She is coming. There is no hope for you.
• Savant: Dearest Saradomin, the sea slugs have you!
• Dave: There is no Player. Just the slug hive mind. THE TOTALLY EVIL slug hive mind. We are going to take over the mainland, and it's going to be SLUG HAPPY HOUR but with more EVIL. That's right, SLUG EVIL HOUR! We mean, it's going to be AN EVIL BANQUET and humans are so ON THE MENU.
• Sea Slug: 'Nope, we can't take this any more.'
• Sea Slug: 'Even hive minds have to be selective. You're free. Go about your business'

Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts back to the Falador Park

• Sir Tiffy Cashien: A little unorthodox, but you passed all the tests. Congratulations, Player. You are on probation as an Elite White Knight. Which reminds me: Saradomin has called for a meeting at the top of the castle. You coming? There's a barbecue. And beer.
• Dave: Tiffy, my friend, you couldn't stop me.

Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts back to the Basement of DOOM

• Player: I need to go to the White Knight's castle as soon as I can! I'd better tell Doris that all of the chores are done. Again.

Ground floor of Evil Dave's house

Informing Doris that the chores are done. Again.

• Doris: Dave, I'm off to see Getrude. She's got a new litter of cats! Don't leave the house again! Do you want to get TRIPLE grounded?
• Player: No.
• Doris: Remember Dave, no leaving the house!
• Player: Time to head to Falador!

Attempting to leave the house

• Leave Evil Dave's big day out.
  • (Dialogue ends)
• Carry on with the Quest.
  • Player: I still have roughly 20 minutes before Doris returns from Gertrude's.